2022

Happy New Year! Personally, I’m thrilled to be saying goodbye to 2022.

In some ways, it was beautiful.

Cody and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary, and it was the sweetest year of marriage thus far. I feel like we have reached a point where we are so completely comfortable with each other, and with the dynamic of our relationship. We have laughed more together this year than ever before.

I graduated from law school. Four years of sweat, misery, anguish; lots of tears, lots of late nights and little sleep, two or three mental breakdowns, countless nights crying on my bathroom floor…you get the picture. It’s done. It’s behind me. I am proud of myself for getting through it, because it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve sacrificed friendships, hobbies and creative pursuits, passions that brought me joy, money, time, sleep, physical and mental health, and more for this. And four years later, it’s finished.

I spent the summer by the pool, on my back porch, studying nonstop. Even though the threat of the bar exam was looming over me (and I cried a lot), I got to spend two months at home with my puppies. I made myself smoothies and drank tons of iced coffee. I read my outlines in the sun and got an amazing tan. I went to Memphis with our youth group and kept up with my study program while there. I wouldn’t trade some of the memories I made this summer for the world.

I started teaching ballet, which has been a dream of mine for years. I got to pick back up taking ballet lessons, which I have sorely missed. It’s a joy to be back in the studio.

We went to Mexico with some of our best friends - in the middle of a literal hurricane. I took a special girls’ trip to Oahu with my mom. We closed out the year with a Christmas trip to New York City, and subsequently got Covid and spent the holidays in quarantine.

But 2022 was, in other ways, the worst year of my life.

We said goodbye to my Aunt Roberta, one of the dearest and sweetest ladies in my life. I come from a family of loud, opinionated women - and a lot of them. Aunt Roberta was one of the few quiet voices in that fray; a gentle, calming presence. We found out she had cancer in March; so we got to spend a lot of intentional time with her over the next four months. Her death was not unexpected, but it was difficult nonetheless.

Aunt Robert, a seamstress, admired the lining of a suit my mom made. One of the last times we sat and visited with her.

I took the Bar in July; in October I found out I had failed. I was absolutely crushed. I had never before felt such an overwhelming sense of failure, anguish, and defeat. How do you devote four years of your life to school, then do nothing but study for two and a half months, putting your entire life on hold, and STILL fail?

An entire summer, wasted

I’d done everything right. I’d completed my bar prep course. I’d done over 2,000 practice questions. I’d done nearly 100 practice essays. I’d failed, and now I’d have to do it all over again. My life was still on hold.

The same day I got my results, a dear friend of our family died suddenly at age 19.

Later that same week I found out I was pregnant. We were ecstatic. We told our families, who were all excited to welcome the first grandbaby on both sides. I started buying baby clothes.

Right before Thanksgiving, we lost the baby.

I became extremely depressed, and for the next couple of months felt totally unable to communicate with my husband or closest friends. Some days I felt okay; other days I felt unable to function, crying incessantly, my mind so clouded and foggy I couldn’t think straight.

I still have days like that, but turning the page of a new year feels like a fresh start. I know that nothing changes other than the number at the end of today’s date, but mentally, I feel refreshed.

I am going into 2023 a different person than I was last year. A little older, a little more jaded, a little less optimistic. But I’m going in more prayerful. I will cling to God’s goodness, to His promise that He will never leave nor forsake us.

I’m also going into this year more thankful. More hopeful. More sober-minded, more focused. It is going to take a lot of hard work to get where I want to go. Life is not easy, and I become more and more aware of that every day.

But life can be beautiful. I see more beauty and find more joy in the little moments - taking my dogs for a walk as the sun sets, going to bed early and snuggling up with my husband, listening to music as I watch the sunrise, a cup of really good coffee, wearing an outfit that makes me smile, feeling comfortable in my own skin.

I want to be intentional this year. I want to spend time with my loved ones, take care of my body and my mental health, and do little things that bring me joy. I want to bring joy to others. I want to spend more time in the Word, because right now all I can do is trust God’s timing and His plan. I certainly can’t see the road ahead. I used to think I could. But 2022 has taught me that I don’t have a clue. I can’t plan for everything.

For the first time in my life, I have no idea what’s coming next. I’m not in school anymore. I don’t know what I’ll be doing six months from now. I’m 27 and have no career, no kids, no clue what I’m doing, none of the things I once thought I’d have by this point in my life.

I’ll just take it one day at a time.