I PASSED THE BAR!

Thursday, April 13.

That was the date they'd announced we would receive our Bar results. It was also, coincidentally, my next scheduled ultrasound appointment.

I awaited the 13th with anxious anticipation. What if I failed? What if the ultrasound was nothing but bad news? The day could either be incredibly joyful, or a double blow.

Around 9:34 a.m., I hit refresh on the TNBLE website for the 48th time that morning. It pulled up the list - it had just posted seconds earlier. I think I audibly gasped - but I told myself it's okay, you probably didn't make it but let's check anyway.

I scrolled to the H's and there was my name. I read it 4 more times to make sure I wasn't seeing things. It was there, and I was jubilant.

Surprisingly, however, I also felt calm. I didn't stand up and scream or shout "I passed!", even though I thought I would have. An overwhelming sense of relief was the predominant emotion; I'm done, I kept thinking. I don't have to take it again!

After breathing a sigh of relief and taking a moment to process, I began scouring the list for my friends' names. Sadly, many of them did not pass.

All of a sudden I felt guilty for my happiness. I could no longer commiserate with my classmates. And the pain they must be feeling - oh, I know that pain, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Last October, when our grades were released and I realized I'd failed the Bar exam, I instantly dissolved into hysterics. Loud, gasping-for-air sobs. I was inconsolable. I had to take the rest of the day off work. For the couple of weeks I cried intermittently each day, crushed by the sense of failure and humiliation. Even worse, I had to face the fact that I'd be taking it again.

There's a scene in the Hunger Games: Catching Fire when the Capitol announces that previous victors will be reaped to participate in the next Hunger Games. Upon hearing this, it takes Katniss a moment to process, but she then realizes: I'm going back into the arena. She's almost too numb, too much in shock to react.

I'm by no means comparing the Bar exam to the Hunger Games....but I'm kind of comparing the Bar exam to the Hunger Games. It was that horrifying realization that not only did I take off two and a half months to study full time, not only was the test experience itself hellish and exhausting, not only does this set back all our plans and throw a wrench in our finances; but I have to do it all over again.

But now, in the present, I'm free. I've escaped the arena but my victory feels hollow. I look back and see my friends still trapped, unable to leave this limbo between law student and lawyer. I'm heartbroken for them - truly, I am.

As sad as I am for my friends, I'm so thankful to have passed. I'm so glad I don't have to purchase another expensive prep course, or go weeks without a paycheck to cram obscure legal concepts into my tired brain day in and day out, or spend my "down time" listening to Bar prep podcasts to passively study. I'm beyond grateful.

Even better than the Bar, the ultrasound revealed nothing but wonderful news. Everything looks good, baby's heartbeat is perfect, and jellybean has grown SO much since the last time we saw her!

I can't believe how happy I am in this moment. I think back to just a few short months ago, when it felt like my world was falling apart. We lost a family member, a dear friend, a baby; I failed the Bar and sank into the deepest depression I'd known to date, and we capped off the year by spending Christmas puking and sick with Covid.

And now, all my dreams are coming true. It seems too marvelous to be real. I know that there will be more storms in the future; c'est la vie. But for now, I'm floating on pure bliss. I'm thankful.

And I will worry less / pray on bended knee / tell God all I need / thank Him and receive

The peace of God surpass / all understanding of men.

Above lyrics from Sharyn's album, In Full Bloom.