Week 6 (?)

Anxiety has set in.

I’ve taken a few more tests - just to make absolutely, completely, for-sure-and-certain positive. According to the three different apps I’ve downloaded, and the pregnancy calculator I found online, I’m about 6 weeks pregnant, and my due date is somewhere between June 9 - June 12 (a couple of apps differ on the exact day). I have no way of knowing how far along I really am.

I can’t get an OBGYN appointment until I’m “medically confirmed” pregnant. That seems so stupid to me. I have to pay to go to a doctor’s office just to pee in a cup, then sit in a waiting room and miss work so they can tell me “Yep! You’re pregnant! Congrats!”

Also, I don’t have insurance. I aged out of my parents’ work policy, and my husband’s work policy won’t go into effect until January. Two and a half scary months. But it’s okay. I can’t even get into my OBGYN’s office for weeks, so I’ll have two OBGYN visits max between now and then.

I’m having these really weird cramps and twinges. The cramps are like period cramps, but they don’t last very long. Dr. Google assures me that’s perfectly normal. It still freaks me out, though.

I’m also having this pinching pain, mostly on my right pelvic side but also on my left. A couple of months ago, I had an ovarian cyst that burst while I was working out, and it felt exactly like this. So that freaks me out.

I oscillate between calm, cool and collected and full-on panic mode. I remind myself that cysts during pregnancy are common. I read all about ectopic pregnancies, and comfort myself in the fact that they account for less than 2% of all pregnancies in women. I repeat the list of factors that put me at even lower risk: I don’t smoke, I’ve never had an IUD, I didn’t get pregnant while on birth control, I haven’t done IVF and I’m not overweight. This becomes my mantra I chant internally when uncertainty grips me.

I hold my belly, willing a connection with my tiny little bean, and pray “Lord, please let my baby be healthy. Let them grow up to love You and know You. And even though this is so not important…Please let me have a little girl. Amen.” I pray this over and over again and remind myself that my body is literally built for this. Billions of women before me have done this. And worrying about it is only going to stress me - not productive at all.

I purchase two books on pregnancy - the Mayo Clinic Pregnancy Guide, and the Mama Natural book. Both assuage my fears.

I sleep in Saturday morning, then fix myself a delicious breakfast and brew my solitary cup of coffee for the day. It’s 65 degrees out, chilly but sunny and beautiful, so I take my breakfast and my Mama Natural book to the back porch and read while I eat. It’s so relaxing.

I’m starting to really, really get excited about this. Dare I allow myself to fully embrace the fact that I am pregnant? Should I let my guard down, throw caution to the wind and immerse myself in the world of researching strollers, baby registries, prenatal events and baby-shower planning? I’m so scared to let myself get really excited. What if I lose my little bean? What if something goes wrong?

But today I’m not going to think about that. I’m going to enjoy this quiet, peaceful moment of prenatal bliss. I’m pregnant, and I’m going to enjoy every scary second of this.