Week 8

Panic mode is back.

I bled a little bit one day this week. I was at work, went to the bathroom, and there it was - I instantly dissolved into tears, positive this was my worst fear come true.

I immediately called every OBGYN within a 30-mile radius to see who could get me in the fastest. But when I talked to my regular OB, she seemed unfazed. “Sounds like typical first trimester bleeding,” she said. “If you start hurting, or if you bleed enough to fill up a pad, head to the ER. Try not to worry. We’ll see you on the 15th for your ultrasound!”

TRY NOT TO WORRY? Yeah, well, worry is alllll I did for the next couple of days.

And normal?! This sounds normal? Is all this anxiety and stress and worry just going to be my new normal? Every little pinch, tug, cramp and pain in my abdomen sends me down a spiraling rabbit hole of fear.

I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. At age 4, I was already pretending to be pregnant, sticking stuffed animals under my shirt and showing everyone my “pregnant tummy.” To my parents' horror and bemusement, I would "go into labor" frequently and pop the stuffed-animal-babies out from under my shirt (I thought babies came out of our belly button, and loved showing family members my "staple" on my belly. Yeah. I hope I don't have a weird kid like that...).

When I was in high school and my first couple of years at college, I did a lot of babysitting and was a nanny for a couple of families for a while. I loved all the kids I kept, and determined my dream was to one day be a stay at home mother with 5 or 6 children.

I’ve dreamed of this for years, and now that it’s here all I do is stress.

But I keep reminding myself that worrying won't change a thing, and that 9 times out of 10 the issues we worry ourselves to death over never even come to fruition. Right now, in this moment, I'm going to enjoy where I'm at.

I'm a little over 8 weeks along (and I've seriously got to start taking better, more cohesive bump pictures!!). These dirty-mirror-selfies were taken pre- and post-workout. Is that a teeny lil bump? Or am I just bloated?

I have cut back on my coffee intake considerably - I tried to do only decaf, but that lasted for about three days. After horrible mood swings and an unending, pounding headache, I caved and felt sweet relief within minutes of that first sip of Pike Place. But rest assured, I'm only drinking 1-2 cups a day now - roughly 186 mg of caffeine, right under the recommended 200 mg cap.

**Unrelated, but there are so few choices for decaf coffee at Walmart. I've never noticed because - obviously - I've always been a full-caf girl, ordering extra shots of espresso with my drinks. It's really not fair.**

I try to get some quiet time on the back porch with my Mama Natural book every day - or at least on the weekends. I pair it with coffee or a smoothie. It's delicious me-time, and I'll savor every second while I still have it. Also, I would HIGHLY recommend Mama Natural! Not sponsored - I wish - but it's a wonderful, comprehensive guide to pregnancy and has all sorts of recipes, helpful resources and descriptions for a mom who thinks she might want to be a little crunchy, a little not!

I am cutting back on high-intensity workouts and heavy lifting. I’m afraid that might have been what caused the bleeding. But who knows? I’m still working out - just much lighter. Lots of jogging, walking, and Pilates. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep that up all throughout this pregnancy!